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August 3rd, 2009
12:19 pm - British TV
The highly esteemed BBC aired the following 18 seconds of viewing, during a time slot set aside for young children...So it IS safe for work. But there again, it is obviously intentionally FILTHY!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_4F3lJf8T0
I'm pretty sure that Barney the Dinosaur has never exploded his love-juice over a man's face on one of your toddlers' TV shows, has he, my American friends?
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July 28th, 2009
10:48 pm - Love Is...
Love is: Holding in a poo, so that you don't have to walk across in front of your boyfriend and his mate, whilst they play some Rock Band game or other.
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June 27th, 2009
06:00 pm - Brandon Online
Ever wondered what it sounds like (not the voice, just the manner) to play an online game with Brandon? Check out the first 4 mins of this VERY NOT SAFE FOR WORK video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GsoXlpnPF90&feature=related
It's part of a series called Arby 'n' the Chief, a Halo based comedy animation series. I think it is absolutely HILARIOUS, because when they discuss online games, Master Chief reminds me of Brandon and Arby reminds me of Unimag.
In the above clip, the kid online sounds more like Brandon (whereas normally I liken him to Master Chief), so it isn't typical (and you won't appreciate the rest of the video out of context, so don't bother with that).
One last thing, Master Chief makes fun of people by making the sound of his "roflcopter"... It goes "soi soi soi soi soi". He has the voice of "Microsoft Sam", available via your Control Panel. Go there, type that in and hear the most ODD sound ever made by the voice facility on your PC.
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June 21st, 2009
June 9th, 2009
03:47 pm - Motivation
I've lost 21 lbs in about the last nine weeks and I'm very happy about that (although admittedly I *did* have an organ full of stones cut out of me during that time, which must have helped). I am still far from my goal weight but I am the kind of person who stays on track, once they have made a decision... So yeah, go me, the day will come. Of course, the problem is keeping it off but I will face that when I get to it.
HOWEVER, not everyone has my level of resolve, or ambition. For instance, a girl who belongs to the same weight-loss forum as me (you don't get to see ALL my online activities here you know) is complaining that she can't find the motivation to carry on dieting, because
SHE NOW FITS INTO CHAIRS THAT HAVE ARMS.
I shit you not.
Now, whilst I can perfectly understand somebody getting into the situation where weight creeps on and chairs become a problem... How in HELL can somebody recognise that they have expanded to a vast size, address that issue, prove to themselves that it is possible to lose weight, become small enough to squash into a human chair and then go "Fuck it, I can't be bothered to diet now! I can fit through doors and sit on furniture! Pass me the nachos and cheese! In fact, wrap 'em up in a pizza!"? Does she really think that she has DONE ENOUGH? Is that really the limit of this girl's physical aspirations?
I think fitting into a fucking chair should be a MARKER on the way to her goal, not the GOAL itself. Raise the bar, lady.
And NO, she isn't American.
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June 8th, 2009
05:55 pm - Keyhole Of Horror
I haven't been around much on LJ lately. One of the reasons for that is that last Monday I was stabbed five times and had my gallbladder sliced out, using a hot wire...I know there is a fancy name for the operation but I've forgotten what it is. I can tell you that it was "keyhole surgery" (hence all the tiny wounds) and that it healed up fast, with just a few sticking plasters and a bit of mild pain-relief (after the event...I mean, they knocked me out to do it).
So it is, as they say, "all good"... Apart from the way my belly-button looks.
Now, I don't want to complain about a successful operation, with a phenomenally easy recovery and a price tag of ZERO pounds (ah, British medical care) BUT - going in through a hole just below my belly-button left a scar that looks... Well, it looks like my belly-button is twice the size it used to be. I think maybe Unimag has made me feel worse about it than I should do...
Me: What do you think of my belly-button? I think it looks a bit odd.
Unimag (my loving boyfriend): Jesus Christ, it is FREAKISH!
Me: No, you're supposed to say it looks OK and that it will settle down...
Unimag: But it is HUGE. Ughhh! Fucking hell, don't keep showing it to me!
Me: How is that supportive?!
Unimag: I can't think of anything supportive to say. I mean, it looks like it was designed by David Cronenberg.
*Sigh*. Like I said, I'm recovering fast. I wonder how long it will be until I am fit enough to kick him up the arse?
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May 27th, 2009
07:45 pm - South Park
WTF?! I have ALWAYS thought that Mr. Garrison's puppet was called "Mr. Head". NOW I find out, from Unimag (who is taking the piss out of me as we speak), that the puppet is called "Mr. HAT".
I repeat, WTF?!
I blame all you Americans for having such a stupid fucking accent. Say "hat" properly and stop making it sound like "head".
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May 25th, 2009
09:32 pm - Dreamwidth
Will somebody please pm me a code? I might go over there and look around. If I set up shop it will likely be a more focussed project than this journal, but I don't have a theme yet.
P.S. British spelling may be present in this post.
EDIT: No matter, the lovely ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) zoethe has obliged me.
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May 7th, 2009
06:18 pm - My Biggest Fan
In our kitchen we have a very large and noisy extractor fan, which makes as much noise as a jet taking off but IS very efficient at removing smoke, or cooking smells.
We've just found out that its AWESOME POWERS OF SUCKING could have KILLED US!
Yes indeed, the little man who did our Annual Gas Safety Inspection today, BLANCHED IN HORROR as he tested what would happen if the fan was on IN THE KITCHEN, whilst the gas fire was alight IN THE LOUNGE...
It turns out that even though the fan is in a DIFFERENT ROOM to the gas fire, its AWESOME POWERS OF SUCKING were literally pulling the TOXIC FUMES OF GAS WASTE DEATH back DOWN THE CHIMNEY and into our FACES! Our increasingly blue-tinged faces.
Holy Fuck.
"Shall I disconnect the gas fire, or the fan?" he asked.
"Disconnect the gas fire!" we replied, "you can't disconnect the fan IT IS TOO FUCKING AWESOME!".
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May 6th, 2009
07:35 am - What Would Jesus Eat?
This is an a REAL book, available on Amazon and everything...
http://www.post-gazette.com/food/20031113jesusfood1113fnp2.asp
Ask yourself, "Why do I eat this?" and "Would Jesus eat this?"
"I thought I'd go back to the training manual -- the Bible -- and see what Jesus ate. Lo and behold, Jesus ate the healthiest diet ever developed, the Mediterranean diet."
My slimming group is held in a Methodist church hall but I've never seen Jesus getting weighed. Hey, maybe when I've dropped a few more pounds I'll be able to walk on water!
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May 1st, 2009
08:38 pm - This Is Just Wrong...
Quote from the woman who runs my local Slimming group (made TO the group):
"It's lovely when people notice you've lost weight. I probably shouldn't say this, but the first time somebody told me I looked ill, I was SO happy!"
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April 24th, 2009
09:53 am - Family Trait
Yesterday I was obliged to buy a dress, to wear to a wedding today. I HATE buying clothes and am normally attired in combat trousers and a t-shirt, so the idea of buying a dress was rather traumatic. However, I saw a pretty maxi dress, with kimono sleeves, and it really caught my imagination. I tried it on. It was certainly sophisticated but maybe too much so for me... I turned to the (very young) assistant.
"Does this make me look a bit old?" I asked.
"NO!" she declared, "That dress in very fashionable right now, our manager has one herself... And she's THIRTY!".
The sad thing is, I wasn't reassured by knowing that my tastes were the same as a thirty year old woman's... I was depressed. Even though I'm fifty one. I bought it anyway.
Then last night my Mum rang me. She had been clothes shopping. I didn't have time to tell her about my own shopping trip (she wouldn't shut up long enough) but she told me this...
"I was in Marks, looking for a blouse, and I asked an assistant where they were. She pointed to some and then told me that I might be interested to know they had a section with clothes for more mature ladies. CHEEKY COW! More MATURE? Do I look as if I dress like an old lady?! I nearly walked out!"
My Mum is seventy three. I think I know where I get my attitude from.
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April 22nd, 2009
10:30 pm - Stationery Porn
Check out this pen...
http://www.cultpens.com/acatalog/Pilot_Frixion_Erasable_Rollerball.html
It really is the hottest, most awesome pen in the Universe. I love stationery in a way that should have me banned from W.H.Smith... Lest I rip off my clothes and roll about in their ballpoints, ring binders and unused, virgin, erasers. I know when a pen is sexy and this pen is begging for it.
The Pilot Frixion Erasable Rollerball (I've only ever used black ones) writes like a dream, making even my left-handed scrawl look good. It erases in seconds, using a built-in rubber and leaves no mess, as it somehow uses HEAT from the friction. Cool. I mean, HOT.
Although that does mean that prolonged exposure to high heat could make your scribblings disappear (but we'll ignore that).
Unimag and I are sexually compatible enough that we both own a couple of Frixions and have even bought them for each other. We feel the same about them... It would be a problem if we didn't.
Treat yourself to the black one and if you agree with me, send me the set of eight different coloured ones as a thank-you for drawing your attention to them.
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03:50 pm - My Hair
I went to the hairdresser today, which is something I've neglected to do for AGES. My roots had grown out about 4" and my hair was looking tangled and thin, ugh.
The reason I've been avoiding the salon that I normally use (since moving here), is because the stylist that I kept getting was irritable, mostly silent, ignored what *I* wanted done to my hair and never made sure I had a magazine to read, or a cup of tea. In other words, she was a fucking bitch. Added to which, they charge a fortune.
Anyway, today I went to a salon right near my house. It is one of those "granny" places at first sight and I wasn't sure... But actually they have all kinds of clients, once you get in there. I told them what I wanted and waited to see what would happen.
Guess what? My hair is the colour I chose, the exact length I asked for (and no layers forced on me against my instructions), I was offered tea, I was chatted to so much that I didn't NEED a magazine to read... And they were almost half the price of the other place!
Good old "Pauline's" and FUCK YOU "Shine"! I know where I'm having my hair done from now on.
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April 21st, 2009
04:56 pm - Slimmer Of The Week
Yes indeed, this title was awarded to me last night. I feel I should make a little acceptance speech...
I'd like to thank my parents, for making me fat in the first place and then giving my weight "issues" constant support over the years, with their negative remarks and mixed messages. Without them I would never have found myself in a slimming club.
I would like to thank the makers of Muller Light Yogurt, without whom my weight-loss this week would not have been possible. Mmmmm, yum.
I would like to thank my doctor, for inspiring me, by feeling my stomach and then writing "soft, obese" when describing it on her (visible to me) computer screen.
But most of all I would like to thank God, for making all food taste better when it has fat, sugar and salt in it. If it wasn't for that, some other fatty might have kept their head out of the trough long enough to beat me to this incredible prize.
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April 20th, 2009
08:32 am - Twitter
I don't have a Twitter account, because the whole idea seems incredibly dull to me and reading "Tweets" is seldom anything but irritating.
However, I DO have this LJ account, because reading other people's journal entries and seeing their photos etc. interests me and keeps me coming back for more.
I hate getting rid of LJ friends but I will no longer subscribe to journals that are essentially uncut Twittering. I'm sorry if that means you and I are parting company. I could just filter my Friends page but that'd be fake.
I used to enjoy LJ and Twitter has been spoiling that for too long.
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April 13th, 2009
04:39 pm - Comprehensive Education
When Brandon was a tiny child, I read him the story of the Hare and the Tortoise. Upon finishing the story I looked into Brandon's little face and asked,
"Brandon, why do you think the Tortoise won the race, even though the Hare was faster at running?". Brandon though for a moment and then replied,
"I don't know... Did the Tortoise get a taxi?".
At the time this reply seemed almost impressive to me; imaginative, creative, maybe an attempt at cheeky humour. But now I'm starting to worry. You see, Brandon's skills at comprehension haven't moved on much since then. Even though he is in all the top groups at school, give him a short story, poem, extract from a script, or anything else to read... And he hasn't got a fucking clue what it is on about. And he adds in quite a lot of stuff himself too, sometimes to make sense of his twisted interpretation.
The other day, Unimag and I got Brandon to read a three page story about a murder. The story was told from the point of view of "Arthur" who murdered his wife "Edna", because her addiction to things supernatural (over the course of their 27 year long marriage) drove him insane. A pretty straightforward story.
Brandon, however, did not find it that easy to understand. When we came to asking him questions (as a little test of his understanding), he kept calling Arthur "she". In the end I couldn't hold back any longer,
"Brandon, why are you calling Arthur "she"? He says he has been married to Edna for 27 years! He even talks about their wedding night!" Brandon looked at me steadily,
"The whole story just sounded like it was being told by a woman. I thought the woman telling the story was probably a lesbian, who married Edna and then killed her." He said.
"A lesbian called ARTHUR?!" I yelled. "A lesbian who managed to get MARRIED, even though it was TWENTY SEVEN YEARS AGO, WHEN LESBIANS WEREN'T EVEN TALKED ABOUT?!". I held my aching head.
"Jesus Mum, calm down!" he said, "There's no need to be such a homophobe...".
I still can't decide whether he is a surrealist genius, or an idiot.
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April 11th, 2009
11:11 pm - Facebook Horror!
Oh my god. Someone I used to go to school with has added me on Facebook. She has a HUGE apartment in the trendiest part of New York, so big that her Grand Piano is LOST in the pictures. She has photos of herself collecting impressive awards for her work, in Las Vegas and in NY (I think). She's rich, thin and still (naturally) blonde.
I'm happy for her, she's a nice girl and very kind and hard-working.
But WHY GOD WHY did I make my Profile picture, on Facebook, a photo of me in a pink dressing-gown, with no make-up and morning hair, extending my middle finger at the camera?
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April 6th, 2009
11:10 am - Ganked From karnythia Who Is As Appalled As I Am
What in the name of FUCK is this woman THINKING?
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=21210578
I've known far too many people like her and I'm tired of being nice. If I met her I would do this:
1) Say "Brush your hair bitch!"
2) Punch her full in the face.
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