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October 17th, 2006


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09:30 pm - The Pirate Privilege Checklist
Recently I was shown the Male Privilege Checklist, a list of privileges that men have over women. The list was compiled so that men would read it and become AWARE of what lucky bastards they really (according to the list) are. Of course, it was also written to make men feel like shit. Personally I found a lot of the list to be total bollocks but, you know, I actually fucking LIKE men. Anyway, inspired by the list and a similar one about white privilege, I decided to write a list for PIRATES. After all, Pirates have so many privileges over everyone (and especially over NINJAS) that they really should have their own list. So, for all you Pirates out there, I give to you:

The Pirate Privilege Checklist

1) I will never have to apply for a job, or sit outside a temple in the snow, waiting to be trained. I will always be able to get a job simply by sitting in a pub, getting drunk and waiting to be hit over the head.

2) If I am shown in a film, or written about in a book, I will be portrayed as an individual. I will be named and given my own style of clothing. I will not be represented as a faceless person in a black outfit.

3) If I speak in a film, my lips will move in sync with what I am saying.

4) As a child I was encouraged to be more outgoing than Ninjas.

5) If I become physically disabled, or visually impaired, it will not affect my employability.

6) If I become mentally unstable it will enhance my employability and earn me the title "Mad".

7) I will never be stopped from taking my pet to work. As long as it is a parrot. Or a monkey.

8) I will never have to move silently and stealthily, I will be allowed to swagger and shout "YARRR!".

9) I will be able to find other Pirates like myself mentioned in songs. There are no songs about Ninjas.

10) The grooming regimen expected of me is relatively cheap and consumes little time.

11) Any ship I sail will be called a "Galleon" and not a "Junk".

12) At the end of each quest I will be rewarded with a huge chest of gold and not a magic feather, family honour, or some shit like that.

13) In general, I am under much less pressure to be thin than my Ninja counterparts are. If I am fat, I probably suffer fewer social and economic consequences for being fat than fat Ninjas do.

14) I will always have a huge cutlass. I will never be asked to fight using little metal stars.

15) I will either be a large breasted woman in an off-the-shoulder blouse, or I will have access to a large breasted woman in an off-the-shoulder blouse.

16) I will never have to drink water, or rice wine. I will always get to drink rum, or grog.

17) My career prospects will not be affected by my ethnicity.

18) If I manage to somersault backwards onto a tree, the chances are people will be more impressed than they would if a Ninja did it.

19) If I need to urinate, I don't have to struggle out of a cat-suit.

20) As a child, the chances are I got more teacher attention than Ninjas who raised their hands just as often.

21) I get to wear great big boots.

22) I am far less likely than a Ninja to be employed by a mad genius whose Headquarters gets blown up killing everyone inside.

23) I will never be mistaken for a fundamentalist Muslim woman.

24) When I shout, I can be reasonably sure that the other people in the bar will shout with me.

25) I have the privilege of being unaware of my Pirate privilege.

(118 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


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[User Picture]
From:the_gwenzilliad
Date:October 17th, 2006 10:16 pm (UTC)
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Bwah! Brilliant. :)

(Btw, I heard that LGB had been talking with my G on GW. Weeeeird.)
[User Picture]
From:scarletdemon
Date:October 18th, 2006 07:11 pm (UTC)
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Yesah, bless 'em they've been hanging out. Haha! So cute.
[User Picture]
From:tammylee
Date:October 17th, 2006 10:17 pm (UTC)
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Ha! This goes beyond awesome into the realm of legend!
[User Picture]
From:scarletdemon
Date:October 18th, 2006 07:13 pm (UTC)
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And then into the £4.99 Sale bin.
[User Picture]
From:ems
Date:October 17th, 2006 10:19 pm (UTC)
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I CLAIM METAQUOTING RIGHTS.
[User Picture]
From:scarletdemon
Date:October 17th, 2006 10:20 pm (UTC)
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Haha! Do it!
(no subject) - (Anonymous) - Expand
[User Picture]
From:ruckerl2k
Date:October 17th, 2006 10:28 pm (UTC)
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*howling*

Brilliant.

Of course, the other list is Bollocks!
[User Picture]
From:scarletdemon
Date:October 18th, 2006 07:15 pm (UTC)
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Hey you, thanks!
[User Picture]
From:catvincent
Date:October 17th, 2006 10:35 pm (UTC)
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May I say... Arrrr!!
I be linkin' te this, ye fine wench!
Etc.
[User Picture]
From:scarletdemon
Date:October 18th, 2006 07:21 pm (UTC)
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Hahaha! Just don't say "Avast behind!" when I walk past.
[User Picture]
From:conglacio
Date:October 17th, 2006 10:51 pm (UTC)
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"9) I will be able to find other Pirates like myself mentioned in songs. There are no songs about Ninjas."

Actually......Ninja, by Europe.

I have it on my mp3...I was listening to it earlier...I like Europe...
[User Picture]
From:conglacio
Date:October 17th, 2006 10:58 pm (UTC)
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because of 23 and 18....my grandparents are probably now wondering what I am doing in my room...
From:(Anonymous)
Date:October 17th, 2006 10:52 pm (UTC)
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You even get paid if you become disabled in the line of duty, Ninjas get scolded, murdered, or encouraged to ritually disembowel theirselves.
[User Picture]
From:jestermephist
Date:October 17th, 2006 10:52 pm (UTC)
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damnit, that was me..
[User Picture]
From:fragiletender
Date:October 17th, 2006 11:23 pm (UTC)
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15) I will either be a large breasted woman in an off-the-shoulder blouse, or I will have access to a large breasted woman in an off-the-shoulder blouse.

Clearly our house is full of pirates!
[User Picture]
From:scarletdemon
Date:October 18th, 2006 07:24 pm (UTC)
(Link)
YARRRR!
From:(Anonymous)
Date:October 18th, 2006 12:53 am (UTC)

Then again, as a ninja...

(Link)
1 I get cool gadgets.

2 I will never have to put up with parrot crap down my back.

3 I don't have to put up with tuneless drunken singing from my colleagues at three in the morning, nor am I expected to know all 437 verses of 'Twas on the Good Ship Venus.

4 Unless it is required for a mission, I will never have to swagger around affecting a ridiculous accent. Even if it is required for a mission, I can leave all that nonsense behind when I have assassinated my target.

5 Since nobody knows my real identity, I don't feel the need to have a stupid nickname.

6 If I am injured or disabled, my health insurance covers medical expenses and provides a pension for my retirement. I will not have to continue working with a peg leg and an eye patch.

7 Everybody looks good in black, all my outfits coordinate, and everything goes in one wash cycle.

8 My enemies are great warriors and leaders, not silly arse overprivileged nancy-boys in long curly wigs.

9 Pistols are cheating, even flintlocks. And as for cannon...

10 I don't have to worry about my face appearing on wanted posters, so can enjoy my Caribbean vacation without fear of arrest.

11 I get my own room rather than having to share the gun deck with 40 other smelly pirates. Also, ninjas don't snore.

12 I am very unlikely to suffer from scurvy.

13 Tricorn hats are not flattering.

14 I don't need a huge cutlass to compensate for other failings.

15 At school I was able to stealthily look at the answer sheet while the teacher was paying attention to the noisy pirate kids, and so I got better grades.

16 I will get to finish my drink in a pub, rather than having it spilled in a brawl.

17 Since nobody knows I'm a ninja, I can put my money in a bank account, let it earn interest and access it through an ATM. Buried treasure is very difficult to spend.

18 Sushi doesn't need to have the weevils knocked out of it.

19 If I had a big frock coat, you can bet it would be jam-packed full of weapons.

20 I never have to queue. I just sneak to the front without anyone noticing.

21 Big chunky boots chafe, tabi are much more comfortable.

22 Nobody plays the accordian at ninja singalongs.

23 The RIAA aren't tracking my internet connection.

24 I get to make a wide variety of cool and scary noises when I'm fighting. "Arrrr!" loses novelty value very quickly.

25 I may not be aware of the full scope of my privilege as a ninja, but I know that I'm much better off than I would be as a pirate.
[User Picture]
From:naomikritzer
Date:October 18th, 2006 03:19 pm (UTC)

Re: Then again, as a ninja...

(Link)
17 Since nobody knows I'm a ninja, I can put my money in a bank account, let it earn interest and access it through an ATM. Buried treasure is very difficult to spend.

Oh, great. You made me laugh so hard I scared the cat.
[User Picture]
From:immemor
Date:October 18th, 2006 01:29 am (UTC)
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I am always struggling out of my cat-suit! But it shows off my bulge nicely.
[User Picture]
From:scarletdemon
Date:October 18th, 2006 07:28 pm (UTC)
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Yeah, spandex DOES do that.
[User Picture]
From:seattleforge
Date:October 18th, 2006 03:35 am (UTC)
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This may be your greatest work.
[User Picture]
From:scarletdemon
Date:October 18th, 2006 07:32 pm (UTC)
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Well thanks! I enjoyed it, that's the main thing. Unimag and I were discussing the awful original and we had some parody ideas...But didn't settle on anything.

The next morning I woke him up and told him "Pirate Privilege List! I am a genius!", to which he replied "Why are you taking my photograph?". Oh please, a 26 year old guy in bed? Why WOULDN'T I be?
[User Picture]
From:solar_diablo
Date:October 18th, 2006 04:11 am (UTC)
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and the number one reason it's better to be a pirate than a ninja...

You will always be able to find love in the arms of another toothless pirate.

SCURVY BUTT SEXXORS FTW
[User Picture]
From:ladyvoldything
Date:October 18th, 2006 04:07 pm (UTC)
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As an addendum: toothless pirate women give the best head.
[User Picture]
From:cindy_reddeer
Date:October 18th, 2006 04:15 am (UTC)
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8) I will never have to move silently and stealthily, I will be allowed to swagger and shout "YARRR!".
*visualzes scarletdemon swaggering and shouting YARRR!! While LGB is dressed in Ninga outfit being stelthy* BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I mean BYARRRRRRRRRRRR!
[User Picture]
From:scarletdemon
Date:October 18th, 2006 07:35 pm (UTC)
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You've captured my home life perfectly!
[User Picture]
From:lollypox
Date:October 18th, 2006 04:23 am (UTC)

Brilliant!

(Link)
Arr! I enjoyed this quite a lot.

Two minor addendums:
15) I will either be a large breasted woman in an off-the-shoulder blouse, or I will have access to a large breasted woman in an off-the-shoulder blouse.
OR be a large breasted woman in an off the shoulder blouse with access to other large breasted women in off-the-shoulder blouses...

and

21) I get to wear great big boots.
Pirates also get to be barefoot, if they prefer. Who else can go to work without shoes on!?
[User Picture]
From:scarletdemon
Date:October 18th, 2006 07:37 pm (UTC)

Re: Brilliant!

(Link)
Pirates also get to be barefoot, if they prefer

That's true! That's the sort of pirate I'd be.
[User Picture]
From:birdboy2000
Date:October 18th, 2006 04:27 am (UTC)
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Here from metaquotes.

This is AWESOME.
[User Picture]
From:scarletdemon
Date:October 18th, 2006 07:38 pm (UTC)
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Awww! Thanks. I try. ;)
[User Picture]
From:beerwulf
Date:October 18th, 2006 05:48 am (UTC)
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Awesome!
[User Picture]
From:scarletdemon
Date:October 18th, 2006 07:39 pm (UTC)
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Thanks! And that icon is VILE! Haha!
[User Picture]
From:bulletproof81
Date:October 18th, 2006 07:07 am (UTC)
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You pop up everywhere thats funny.
[User Picture]
From:scarletdemon
Date:October 18th, 2006 07:42 pm (UTC)
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Funny places are the best places to be. Or do you mean it's funny that I pop up everywhere? I guess I do get around a bit... ;)
[User Picture]
From:cpn_jacksparrow
Date:October 18th, 2006 07:49 am (UTC)
(Link)
'Tis true.
[User Picture]
From:busy_body
Date:October 18th, 2006 08:01 am (UTC)
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I know I'm not th first to say it, but you are truly talented. Aaarrrr.
[User Picture]
From:scarletdemon
Date:October 18th, 2006 07:44 pm (UTC)
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Haha! Only at things that don't get me any money and that don't actually DO anything for the World.
[User Picture]
From:savagemind
Date:October 18th, 2006 08:20 am (UTC)
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As a wannabe ninja I found the whole thing very enlightening. Growing up in white, middle-class American suburbia how was I to know I was oppressed!? Friggin' sweet! When I go to ninja school I hope to form an organization for young angry wannabe ninjas just like myself! I think we'll call it Y.A.W.N..
[User Picture]
From:scarletdemon
Date:October 18th, 2006 07:45 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Genius. :D
[User Picture]
From:ultra_lilac
Date:October 18th, 2006 09:11 am (UTC)
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I hate those comments that just say "OMG11! you're awesome!1", so I won't say it.
You know you're awesome.
[User Picture]
From:scarletdemon
Date:October 18th, 2006 07:56 pm (UTC)
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I know I'm a smart-arse. ;)
[User Picture]
From:darth_spacey
Date:October 18th, 2006 11:17 am (UTC)
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My amusement at your list only *just* mollifies my utter rage at the list you were responding to. Anyone who hates an entire gender as much as that blogger needs to get their end away more frequently (preferably with someone whose genitalia are an "outy" instead of an "inny"), even if they do consider all sex rape.

Holy crap! It was written by a man, or at least someone who has chosen to go by a traditionally male name. I suppose I'm at blame there for associating particular names with particular genders in my phallocentric narrow-minded viewpoint. The point stands, though: spend less time being a misandrist, and more time just being, y'know, a person or whatever.

I feel a major rant coming on. I'm busy as a one legged man in a room full of rocking chairs this morning, though. Maybe later.
[User Picture]
From:dalinae
Date:October 18th, 2006 01:13 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Obviously, you haven't seen a whole generation of Internet feminists, because in some communities this list is lauded and taken as a holy gospel.

*waves* Hi, scarletdemon. I got here through a tertiary source, howled in amusement at the list, and now feel the urge to send you cookies, wine, and various signs of my appreciation. From one pirate to another, you see.
(no subject) - (Anonymous) - Expand
[User Picture]
From:teddywookie
Date:October 18th, 2006 02:52 pm (UTC)
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26. Pirates have blogs wherein they loudly and drunkenly pimp previous posts. Ninjas have tatami mats.
[User Picture]
From:pallid_regina
Date:October 18th, 2006 02:56 pm (UTC)
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Pirates rule, ninjas drool...silently and without leaving a puddle.
[User Picture]
From:roniliquidity
Date:October 18th, 2006 04:00 pm (UTC)
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This list = awesome

THose lists = make want to yell at people. That's pretty much my issue with the site, dispite linking to that article. Way to to have a couple a good points and completely BURY them under a mindset of victimization and gender superiority.

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