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May 7th, 2009


06:18 pm - My Biggest Fan
In our kitchen we have a very large and noisy extractor fan, which makes as much noise as a jet taking off but IS very efficient at removing smoke, or cooking smells.

We've just found out that its AWESOME POWERS OF SUCKING could have KILLED US!

Yes indeed, the little man who did our Annual Gas Safety Inspection today, BLANCHED IN HORROR as he tested what would happen if the fan was on IN THE KITCHEN, whilst the gas fire was alight IN THE LOUNGE...

It turns out that even though the fan is in a DIFFERENT ROOM to the gas fire, its AWESOME POWERS OF SUCKING were literally pulling the TOXIC FUMES OF GAS WASTE DEATH back DOWN THE CHIMNEY and into our FACES! Our increasingly blue-tinged faces.

Holy Fuck.

"Shall I disconnect the gas fire, or the fan?" he asked.

"Disconnect the gas fire!" we replied, "you can't disconnect the fan IT IS TOO FUCKING AWESOME!".

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May 6th, 2009


07:35 am - What Would Jesus Eat?
This is an a REAL book, available on Amazon and everything...

http://www.post-gazette.com/food/20031113jesusfood1113fnp2.asp

Ask yourself, "Why do I eat this?" and "Would Jesus eat this?"


"I thought I'd go back to the training manual -- the Bible -- and see what Jesus ate. Lo and behold, Jesus ate the healthiest diet ever developed, the Mediterranean diet."

My slimming group is held in a Methodist church hall but I've never seen Jesus getting weighed. Hey, maybe when I've dropped a few more pounds I'll be able to walk on water!

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May 1st, 2009


08:38 pm - This Is Just Wrong...
Quote from the woman who runs my local Slimming group (made TO the group):

"It's lovely when people notice you've lost weight. I probably shouldn't say this, but the first time somebody told me I looked ill, I was SO happy!"

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12:12 am - Hilarious
Check this out... http://abbacat.livejournal.com/504808.html

Priceless.

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April 24th, 2009


09:53 am - Family Trait
Yesterday I was obliged to buy a dress, to wear to a wedding today. I HATE buying clothes and am normally attired in combat trousers and a t-shirt, so the idea of buying a dress was rather traumatic. However, I saw a pretty maxi dress, with kimono sleeves, and it really caught my imagination. I tried it on. It was certainly sophisticated but maybe too much so for me... I turned to the (very young) assistant.

"Does this make me look a bit old?" I asked.

"NO!" she declared, "That dress in very fashionable right now, our manager has one herself... And she's THIRTY!".

The sad thing is, I wasn't reassured by knowing that my tastes were the same as a thirty year old woman's... I was depressed. Even though I'm fifty one. I bought it anyway.

Then last night my Mum rang me. She had been clothes shopping. I didn't have time to tell her about my own shopping trip (she wouldn't shut up long enough) but she told me this...

"I was in Marks, looking for a blouse, and I asked an assistant where they were. She pointed to some and then told me that I might be interested to know they had a section with clothes for more mature ladies. CHEEKY COW! More MATURE? Do I look as if I dress like an old lady?! I nearly walked out!"

My Mum is seventy three. I think I know where I get my attitude from.

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April 22nd, 2009


10:30 pm - Stationery Porn
Check out this pen...

http://www.cultpens.com/acatalog/Pilot_Frixion_Erasable_Rollerball.html

It really is the hottest, most awesome pen in the Universe. I love stationery in a way that should have me banned from W.H.Smith... Lest I rip off my clothes and roll about in their ballpoints, ring binders and unused, virgin, erasers. I know when a pen is sexy and this pen is begging for it.

The Pilot Frixion Erasable Rollerball (I've only ever used black ones) writes like a dream, making even my left-handed scrawl look good. It erases in seconds, using a built-in rubber and leaves no mess, as it somehow uses HEAT from the friction. Cool. I mean, HOT.

Although that does mean that prolonged exposure to high heat could make your scribblings disappear (but we'll ignore that).

Unimag and I are sexually compatible enough that we both own a couple of Frixions and have even bought them for each other. We feel the same about them... It would be a problem if we didn't.

Treat yourself to the black one and if you agree with me, send me the set of eight different coloured ones as a thank-you for drawing your attention to them.

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03:50 pm - My Hair
I went to the hairdresser today, which is something I've neglected to do for AGES. My roots had grown out about 4" and my hair was looking tangled and thin, ugh.

The reason I've been avoiding the salon that I normally use (since moving here), is because the stylist that I kept getting was irritable, mostly silent, ignored what *I* wanted done to my hair and never made sure I had a magazine to read, or a cup of tea. In other words, she was a fucking bitch. Added to which, they charge a fortune.

Anyway, today I went to a salon right near my house. It is one of those "granny" places at first sight and I wasn't sure... But actually they have all kinds of clients, once you get in there. I told them what I wanted and waited to see what would happen.

Guess what? My hair is the colour I chose, the exact length I asked for (and no layers forced on me against my instructions), I was offered tea, I was chatted to so much that I didn't NEED a magazine to read... And they were almost half the price of the other place!

Good old "Pauline's" and FUCK YOU "Shine"! I know where I'm having my hair done from now on.

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April 21st, 2009


04:56 pm - Slimmer Of The Week
Yes indeed, this title was awarded to me last night. I feel I should make a little acceptance speech...

I'd like to thank my parents, for making me fat in the first place and then giving my weight "issues" constant support over the years, with their negative remarks and mixed messages. Without them I would never have found myself in a slimming club.

I would like to thank the makers of Muller Light Yogurt, without whom my weight-loss this week would not have been possible. Mmmmm, yum.

I would like to thank my doctor, for inspiring me, by feeling my stomach and then writing "soft, obese" when describing it on her (visible to me) computer screen.

But most of all I would like to thank God, for making all food taste better when it has fat, sugar and salt in it. If it wasn't for that, some other fatty might have kept their head out of the trough long enough to beat me to this incredible prize.

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April 20th, 2009


08:32 am - Twitter
I don't have a Twitter account, because the whole idea seems incredibly dull to me and reading "Tweets" is seldom anything but irritating.

However, I DO have this LJ account, because reading other people's journal entries and seeing their photos etc. interests me and keeps me coming back for more.

I hate getting rid of LJ friends but I will no longer subscribe to journals that are essentially uncut Twittering. I'm sorry if that means you and I are parting company. I could just filter my Friends page but that'd be fake.

I used to enjoy LJ and Twitter has been spoiling that for too long.

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April 13th, 2009


04:39 pm - Comprehensive Education
When Brandon was a tiny child, I read him the story of the Hare and the Tortoise. Upon finishing the story I looked into Brandon's little face and asked,

"Brandon, why do you think the Tortoise won the race, even though the Hare was faster at running?". Brandon though for a moment and then replied,

"I don't know... Did the Tortoise get a taxi?".

At the time this reply seemed almost impressive to me; imaginative, creative, maybe an attempt at cheeky humour. But now I'm starting to worry. You see, Brandon's skills at comprehension haven't moved on much since then. Even though he is in all the top groups at school, give him a short story, poem, extract from a script, or anything else to read... And he hasn't got a fucking clue what it is on about. And he adds in quite a lot of stuff himself too, sometimes to make sense of his twisted interpretation.

The other day, Unimag and I got Brandon to read a three page story about a murder. The story was told from the point of view of "Arthur" who murdered his wife "Edna", because her addiction to things supernatural (over the course of their 27 year long marriage) drove him insane. A pretty straightforward story.

Brandon, however, did not find it that easy to understand. When we came to asking him questions (as a little test of his understanding), he kept calling Arthur "she". In the end I couldn't hold back any longer,

"Brandon, why are you calling Arthur "she"? He says he has been married to Edna for 27 years! He even talks about their wedding night!" Brandon looked at me steadily,

"The whole story just sounded like it was being told by a woman. I thought the woman telling the story was probably a lesbian, who married Edna and then killed her." He said.

"A lesbian called ARTHUR?!" I yelled. "A lesbian who managed to get MARRIED, even though it was TWENTY SEVEN YEARS AGO, WHEN LESBIANS WEREN'T EVEN TALKED ABOUT?!". I held my aching head.

"Jesus Mum, calm down!" he said, "There's no need to be such a homophobe...".

I still can't decide whether he is a surrealist genius, or an idiot.

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