Sordid details following...

Brandon Online

2009-06-27T17:18:58Z

Ever wondered what it sounds like (not the voice, just the manner) to play an online game with Brandon? Check out the first 4 mins of this VERY NOT SAFE FOR WORK video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GsoXlpnPF90&feature=related

It's part of a series called Arby 'n' the Chief, a Halo based comedy animation series. I think it is absolutely HILARIOUS, because when they discuss online games, Master Chief reminds me of Brandon and Arby reminds me of Unimag.

In the above clip, the kid online sounds more like Brandon (whereas normally I liken him to Master Chief), so it isn't typical (and you won't appreciate the rest of the video out of context, so don't bother with that).

One last thing, Master Chief makes fun of people by making the sound of his "roflcopter"... It goes "soi soi soi soi soi". He has the voice of "Microsoft Sam", available via your Control Panel. Go there, type that in and hear the most ODD sound ever made by the voice facility on your PC.

For Fathers' Day

2009-06-21T12:08:18Z

Darth Vader - the best Dad in the Galaxy

Motivation

2009-06-09T15:20:27Z

I've lost 21 lbs in about the last nine weeks and I'm very happy about that (although admittedly I *did* have an organ full of stones cut out of me during that time, which must have helped). I am still far from my goal weight but I am the kind of person who stays on track, once they have made a decision... So yeah, go me, the day will come. Of course, the problem is keeping it off but I will face that when I get to it.

HOWEVER, not everyone has my level of resolve, or ambition. For instance, a girl who belongs to the same weight-loss forum as me (you don't get to see ALL my online activities here you know) is complaining that she can't find the motivation to carry on dieting, because

SHE NOW FITS INTO CHAIRS THAT HAVE ARMS.

I shit you not.

Now, whilst I can perfectly understand somebody getting into the situation where weight creeps on and chairs become a problem... How in HELL can somebody recognise that they have expanded to a vast size, address that issue, prove to themselves that it is possible to lose weight, become small enough to squash into a human chair and then go "Fuck it, I can't be bothered to diet now! I can fit through doors and sit on furniture! Pass me the nachos and cheese! In fact, wrap 'em up in a pizza!"? Does she really think that she has DONE ENOUGH? Is that really the limit of this girl's physical aspirations?

I think fitting into a fucking chair should be a MARKER on the way to her goal, not the GOAL itself. Raise the bar, lady.

And NO, she isn't American.

Keyhole Of Horror

2009-06-08T17:30:06Z

I haven't been around much on LJ lately. One of the reasons for that is that last Monday I was stabbed five times and had my gallbladder sliced out, using a hot wire...I know there is a fancy name for the operation but I've forgotten what it is. I can tell you that it was "keyhole surgery" (hence all the tiny wounds) and that it healed up fast, with just a few sticking plasters and a bit of mild pain-relief (after the event...I mean, they knocked me out to do it).

So it is, as they say, "all good"... Apart from the way my belly-button looks.

Now, I don't want to complain about a successful operation, with a phenomenally easy recovery and a price tag of ZERO pounds (ah, British medical care) BUT - going in through a hole just below my belly-button left a scar that looks... Well, it looks like my belly-button is twice the size it used to be. I think maybe Unimag has made me feel worse about it than I should do...

Me: What do you think of my belly-button? I think it looks a bit odd.

Unimag (my loving boyfriend): Jesus Christ, it is FREAKISH!

Me: No, you're supposed to say it looks OK and that it will settle down...

Unimag: But it is HUGE. Ughhh! Fucking hell, don't keep showing it to me!

Me: How is that supportive?!

Unimag: I can't think of anything supportive to say. I mean, it looks like it was designed by David Cronenberg.

*Sigh*. Like I said, I'm recovering fast. I wonder how long it will be until I am fit enough to kick him up the arse?

South Park

2009-05-27T18:49:37Z

WTF?! I have ALWAYS thought that Mr. Garrison's puppet was called "Mr. Head". NOW I find out, from Unimag (who is taking the piss out of me as we speak), that the puppet is called "Mr. HAT".

I repeat, WTF?!

I blame all you Americans for having such a stupid fucking accent. Say "hat" properly and stop making it sound like "head".

Dreamwidth

2009-05-25T20:38:48Z

Will somebody please pm me a code? I might go over there and look around. If I set up shop it will likely be a more focussed project than this journal, but I don't have a theme yet.

P.S. British spelling may be present in this post.

EDIT: No matter, the lovely zoethe has obliged me.

My Biggest Fan

2009-05-07T17:40:14Z

In our kitchen we have a very large and noisy extractor fan, which makes as much noise as a jet taking off but IS very efficient at removing smoke, or cooking smells.

We've just found out that its AWESOME POWERS OF SUCKING could have KILLED US!

Yes indeed, the little man who did our Annual Gas Safety Inspection today, BLANCHED IN HORROR as he tested what would happen if the fan was on IN THE KITCHEN, whilst the gas fire was alight IN THE LOUNGE...

It turns out that even though the fan is in a DIFFERENT ROOM to the gas fire, its AWESOME POWERS OF SUCKING were literally pulling the TOXIC FUMES OF GAS WASTE DEATH back DOWN THE CHIMNEY and into our FACES! Our increasingly blue-tinged faces.

Holy Fuck.

"Shall I disconnect the gas fire, or the fan?" he asked.

"Disconnect the gas fire!" we replied, "you can't disconnect the fan IT IS TOO FUCKING AWESOME!".

What Would Jesus Eat?

2009-05-06T06:41:42Z

This is an a REAL book, available on Amazon and everything...

http://www.post-gazette.com/food/20031113jesusfood1113fnp2.asp

Ask yourself, "Why do I eat this?" and "Would Jesus eat this?"

"I thought I'd go back to the training manual -- the Bible -- and see what Jesus ate. Lo and behold, Jesus ate the healthiest diet ever developed, the Mediterranean diet."

My slimming group is held in a Methodist church hall but I've never seen Jesus getting weighed. Hey, maybe when I've dropped a few more pounds I'll be able to walk on water!

This Is Just Wrong...

2009-05-01T19:41:21Z

Quote from the woman who runs my local Slimming group (made TO the group):

"It's lovely when people notice you've lost weight. I probably shouldn't say this, but the first time somebody told me I looked ill, I was SO happy!"

Hilarious

2009-04-30T23:13:54Z

Check this out... http://abbacat.livejournal.com/504808.html

Priceless.

Family Trait

2009-04-24T09:15:18Z

Yesterday I was obliged to buy a dress, to wear to a wedding today. I HATE buying clothes and am normally attired in combat trousers and a t-shirt, so the idea of buying a dress was rather traumatic. However, I saw a pretty maxi dress, with kimono sleeves, and it really caught my imagination. I tried it on. It was certainly sophisticated but maybe too much so for me... I turned to the (very young) assistant.

"Does this make me look a bit old?" I asked.

"NO!" she declared, "That dress in very fashionable right now, our manager has one herself... And she's THIRTY!".

The sad thing is, I wasn't reassured by knowing that my tastes were the same as a thirty year old woman's... I was depressed. Even though I'm fifty one. I bought it anyway.

Then last night my Mum rang me. She had been clothes shopping. I didn't have time to tell her about my own shopping trip (she wouldn't shut up long enough) but she told me this...

"I was in Marks, looking for a blouse, and I asked an assistant where they were. She pointed to some and then told me that I might be interested to know they had a section with clothes for more mature ladies. CHEEKY COW! More MATURE? Do I look as if I dress like an old lady?! I nearly walked out!"

My Mum is seventy three. I think I know where I get my attitude from.

Stationery Porn

2009-04-22T21:55:09Z

Check out this pen...

http://www.cultpens.com/acatalog/Pilot_Frixion_Erasable_Rollerball.html

It really is the hottest, most awesome pen in the Universe. I love stationery in a way that should have me banned from W.H.Smith... Lest I rip off my clothes and roll about in their ballpoints, ring binders and unused, virgin, erasers. I know when a pen is sexy and this pen is begging for it.

The Pilot Frixion Erasable Rollerball (I've only ever used black ones) writes like a dream, making even my left-handed scrawl look good. It erases in seconds, using a built-in rubber and leaves no mess, as it somehow uses HEAT from the friction. Cool. I mean, HOT.

Although that does mean that prolonged exposure to high heat could make your scribblings disappear (but we'll ignore that).

Unimag and I are sexually compatible enough that we both own a couple of Frixions and have even bought them for each other. We feel the same about them... It would be a problem if we didn't.

Treat yourself to the black one and if you agree with me, send me the set of eight different coloured ones as a thank-you for drawing your attention to them.

My Hair

2009-04-22T15:19:22Z

I went to the hairdresser today, which is something I've neglected to do for AGES. My roots had grown out about 4" and my hair was looking tangled and thin, ugh.

The reason I've been avoiding the salon that I normally use (since moving here), is because the stylist that I kept getting was irritable, mostly silent, ignored what *I* wanted done to my hair and never made sure I had a magazine to read, or a cup of tea. In other words, she was a fucking bitch. Added to which, they charge a fortune.

Anyway, today I went to a salon right near my house. It is one of those "granny" places at first sight and I wasn't sure... But actually they have all kinds of clients, once you get in there. I told them what I wanted and waited to see what would happen.

Guess what? My hair is the colour I chose, the exact length I asked for (and no layers forced on me against my instructions), I was offered tea, I was chatted to so much that I didn't NEED a magazine to read... And they were almost half the price of the other place!

Good old "Pauline's" and FUCK YOU "Shine"! I know where I'm having my hair done from now on.

Slimmer Of The Week

2009-04-21T16:24:36Z

Yes indeed, this title was awarded to me last night. I feel I should make a little acceptance speech...

I'd like to thank my parents, for making me fat in the first place and then giving my weight "issues" constant support over the years, with their negative remarks and mixed messages. Without them I would never have found myself in a slimming club.

I would like to thank the makers of Muller Light Yogurt, without whom my weight-loss this week would not have been possible. Mmmmm, yum.

I would like to thank my doctor, for inspiring me, by feeling my stomach and then writing "soft, obese" when describing it on her (visible to me) computer screen.

But most of all I would like to thank God, for making all food taste better when it has fat, sugar and salt in it. If it wasn't for that, some other fatty might have kept their head out of the trough long enough to beat me to this incredible prize.

Twitter

2009-04-20T08:01:01Z

I don't have a Twitter account, because the whole idea seems incredibly dull to me and reading "Tweets" is seldom anything but irritating.

However, I DO have this LJ account, because reading other people's journal entries and seeing their photos etc. interests me and keeps me coming back for more.

I hate getting rid of LJ friends but I will no longer subscribe to journals that are essentially uncut Twittering. I'm sorry if that means you and I are parting company. I could just filter my Friends page but that'd be fake.

I used to enjoy LJ and Twitter has been spoiling that for too long.

Comprehensive Education

2009-04-13T16:23:59Z

When Brandon was a tiny child, I read him the story of the Hare and the Tortoise. Upon finishing the story I looked into Brandon's little face and asked,

"Brandon, why do you think the Tortoise won the race, even though the Hare was faster at running?". Brandon though for a moment and then replied,

"I don't know... Did the Tortoise get a taxi?".

At the time this reply seemed almost impressive to me; imaginative, creative, maybe an attempt at cheeky humour. But now I'm starting to worry. You see, Brandon's skills at comprehension haven't moved on much since then. Even though he is in all the top groups at school, give him a short story, poem, extract from a script, or anything else to read... And he hasn't got a fucking clue what it is on about. And he adds in quite a lot of stuff himself too, sometimes to make sense of his twisted interpretation.

The other day, Unimag and I got Brandon to read a three page story about a murder. The story was told from the point of view of "Arthur" who murdered his wife "Edna", because her addiction to things supernatural (over the course of their 27 year long marriage) drove him insane. A pretty straightforward story.

Brandon, however, did not find it that easy to understand. When we came to asking him questions (as a little test of his understanding), he kept calling Arthur "she". In the end I couldn't hold back any longer,

"Brandon, why are you calling Arthur "she"? He says he has been married to Edna for 27 years! He even talks about their wedding night!" Brandon looked at me steadily,

"The whole story just sounded like it was being told by a woman. I thought the woman telling the story was probably a lesbian, who married Edna and then killed her." He said.

"A lesbian called ARTHUR?!" I yelled. "A lesbian who managed to get MARRIED, even though it was TWENTY SEVEN YEARS AGO, WHEN LESBIANS WEREN'T EVEN TALKED ABOUT?!". I held my aching head.

"Jesus Mum, calm down!" he said, "There's no need to be such a homophobe...".

I still can't decide whether he is a surrealist genius, or an idiot.

Facebook Horror!

2009-04-11T22:17:41Z

Oh my god. Someone I used to go to school with has added me on Facebook. She has a HUGE apartment in the trendiest part of New York, so big that her Grand Piano is LOST in the pictures. She has photos of herself collecting impressive awards for her work, in Las Vegas and in NY (I think). She's rich, thin and still (naturally) blonde.

I'm happy for her, she's a nice girl and very kind and hard-working.

But WHY GOD WHY did I make my Profile picture, on Facebook, a photo of me in a pink dressing-gown, with no make-up and morning hair, extending my middle finger at the camera?

Ganked From karnythia Who Is As Appalled As I Am

2009-04-06T10:16:41Z

What in the name of FUCK is this woman THINKING?

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=21210578

I've known far too many people like her and I'm tired of being nice. If I met her I would do this:

1) Say "Brush your hair bitch!"

2) Punch her full in the face.

No Such Thing As "Normal" In This House

2009-04-05T20:15:15Z

We now have a very strong suspicion that Stouffer is actually weeing IN THE TOILET, in our downstairs loo.

His litter tray is next to the toilet and he does always rush in and observe anyone who is "going", plus he tries to wee in his box at the same time (which was giving him cystitis, I'm sure, as there are three of us and one of him).

Anyway, now he seems to have decided that the best way for him to stake his claim to the room (his bed is in there too) is to own the ACTUAL TOILET by weeing in it. Both Brandon AND Unimag have found him perched on the porcelain, on separate occasions, his "bits" over the edge. And Unimag claims to have seen "drips" on the otherwise dry inner part of the bowl (above the water). Hmmm.

God, is it ME, or am I blogging about a cat pissing?

EDIT: It could be worse... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQbHS4YJOMc

Ganked from currahee

2009-04-04T09:30:29Z

This news story is so awesome, I highly suggest you read it:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/cornwall/7981904.stm

I think the woman was having her mid-life crisis a bit too late. I'm so upset that they caught her before she could get pissed, seduce Brad Pitt and then drive off Lizard Point at high speed.

I CAN Be British If I Want To 1!!1!1!!!!

2009-04-01T17:29:05Z

I seem to have stirred a few people up with my post on brits_americans.

The funny part is that some Americans seem to have interpreted my post as an APRIL FOOL type deal...

Because I told them they couldn't simply decide they were British.

http://community.livejournal.com/brits_americans/1453013.html

Made Of Win

2009-04-01T07:46:58Z

http://news.livejournal.com/114430.html

And as always, the best bits are in the Comments.

Gravity Master

2009-03-30T20:19:32Z

For the last couple of days, Brandon and I have been playing this game: http://2netgames.com/game/53/Gravity_Master (You have to skip the ad by clicking a little tab that comes up after, like, FOREVER).

It really is an exceptionally good game, a brilliant test of the mind, filled with gravity puzzles that inspire thought to go outside the box, buy a newspaper, collect some dry-cleaning and come back into the box again for a light breakfast.

HOWEVER, heed my warning...

Do NOT watch somebody else play it, or you will go insane.

Me (watching Brandon play): Ah yes, I see how you are approaching that. Oh yes, great idea to draw a block there. You almost have it, be careful, no, don't do tha...WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! Ah, OK, that worked, but try not to...OH YOU FUCKING IDIOT! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!

Brandon (watching me play): Mum, you should be able to do that with one line. I did it with one line. Don't...Oh, start again. No, one line. Why are you using all those lines? OH MY GOD you are RETARDED! My own Mother can't do this level without drawing about SIX lines! I...I can't watch...I can't watch this.

So take a pill. Lock the door. Pull the curtains. Then play Gravity Master. Alone.

Random Post: Death, Flowers And Madness

2009-03-29T17:32:10Z

Yesterday I found one of my little ratties (Eko) dead in the cage. He had only just died, I know because he was still soft and slightly warm...But he wasn't about to come back to life, put it that way. Now I only have Russell left, of the four I adopted from the RSPCA.

Considering the fact that Eko almost made it to three years old, when it is more common for pet rats to die at about two, he didn't do badly. Russell looked as though he was going to go first, because he is TINY (almost half his original size), is a bag of bones and is paralysed from the waist back! How is he still here? But he is and he THREATENS the cat, by banging the bars of his cage. His eyes are bright, he eats and he gets around on his belly. Bless him. He might die after losing Eko, I suppose, but so far he seems perky enough.

Since my birthday I have spent a lot of time admiring the absolutely beautiful flowers that unimag sent me. Pink roses, huge pink lilies, delicate white and mauve flowers, tall sprigs of greenery with tiny purple flowers on, awww gorgeous. They were delivered by a very tall Goth, which was quite funny, as he handed them to me with a most un-birthday-like, mournful face on. But I was thrilled, I love flowers and I love fiddling about with them. I arranged them in one vase initially and then split them between two vases yesterday, because the lilies have started to open and take up so much space! Now the white and mauve flowers and a few roses are in a white vase, on the landing widow-sill, making it seem so much nicer than before. Meanwhile the stunning lilies and pouty pink roses are standing in a glass vase, in front of a mirror in the lounge. I can simply sit and look at them for ages at a time. Flowers are so romantic too. I love them and I love unimag.

Today I was in the supermarket, buying cat food "pouches" for Stouffer. We bought some tins last week (as they are cheaper) but he HATES them and has been trying, with some success, to starve himself to death, in protest. Anyway (having relented over the whole "you will eat what you are given!" battle) I was choosing which pouches to buy and struck up a conversation with a smartly-dressed woman, who was doing the same.

"I'm having to buy pouches" I told her "my kitten ignores tinned meat. I can't believe he is so fussy, considering I found him under a hedge!". She grinned at me and somehow her grin was rather too wide and frightening.

"You should tell him off like Joo naughty widdle kitty!," she said, wagging her finger at an invisible Stouffer. "Joo fink joo should wiv in a palace like a pwince! Joo should eat jour foooood bad widdle boy!". I backed away.

"Ha!...Yeah...Haha...Oh well, better get going".

Fucking hell, cat ladies are universally fucking BARKING mad. If you'll excuse the expression.

Kitten Lovers - A Chance To Help

2009-03-28T16:22:39Z

If you like my journal, you have tizzrah to thank, as many moons ago she gave me my "code" to join! Now I can do something back for her, as she explained in a message to me...

...I am an active volunteer/foster parent of a cat rescue (not sure if you read my journal or not). We currently have a kitty in foster care with a prolapsed rectum that needs a high-dollar surgery to make him adoptable (and, you know, not in pain anymore!). Since you seem to have quite the following of LJ-readers, I was wondering if maybe you could post something to your blog promoting our little ChipIn widget to help generate a bit of a buzz about this, so we can make some money. It all goes towards the rescue, not to line our greedy pockets (I wish!), so if you'd be willing to post it and then delete it in a few days, that would be super-lovely. :)

The webpage link to our ChipIn site is:

http://stitchwestendcatrescue.chipin.com/stitchs-surgery

Thank ya kindly.

I met Tizzrah YEARS ago, on an animal related forum, I know she loves animals and I regard her as an honest person. So if you can help the little kitten, you know what to do!

Oh, I'll try to post their button thingy here: