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July 16th, 2009
yuki_onna
 | 12:06 am - I Am Not Today What I Was Yesterday
Today, I am divorced.
The papers came in the mail, but it turns out that I've been divorced since July 8th. I was walking around all this time, not knowing I was divorced, and yet, I was. Schrodinger's marriage, and now the waveform has collapsed.
Most of you probably don't even know I was married and have been since December 2002. My ex-husband never met any of you. He was never part of the world I live in--a large part of the problem. I've made reference to an Ex in interviews and my former life as a Navy wife, but it's just a story I tell, you know? It seems like so long ago. It seems like another woman. The choices I made then seemed like the right ones all along, until they were the wrong ones. So it always goes.
For a long time, after we separated, I thought that when the divorce finally went through, I'd want to have a party. Like a reverse wedding. I'd wear a black dress and we'd dance and play the wedding march backwards or something. I wanted to mark it somehow, I wanted to have the dissolution of my marriage take some sort of physical form. My ex--wasband, as my friends like to say--was the first man I ever slept with, I was with him from age 16 to 28. That has to feel like something when you lose it, right?
But the divorce took forever thanks to an inept lawyer. It's been almost three years since the "it's over" phone call. Because of course it would be a phone call. He left me alone for five years and expected me to be waiting, with his life on a silver platter, when he deigned to show up again.
I guess I do still have some anger about it. I guess I'm not totally free of it. Maybe I still need that party.
In the end, my unmarried life will be brief. I've been engaged almost as long as the divorce has taken--and yes, you can probably do the math on that and figure out the fine print. I don't feel, in some sense, like I've ever really had the space to breathe to process my divorce--or maybe the five years of my marriage was one long, slow processing of my divorce. I don't know. I never had a proper wedding. I never had a proper ring, even--my mother bought me one, because he did not. It's like it never happened. How can I have a divorce before I ever had a marriage? I bought a dog right after I got married, so I'd have someone to talk to. It's so pathetic I can't believe it was ever my life. I have recurring nightmares where I have to go back to him, to that old awful world, and I claw and fight but I can't get back to Dmitri, or my island, or the life I love.
I want to mark all this somehow and I don't know how. I've never known how.
I am the child of a spectacularly broken home. I thought, all the days of my childhood, that I would do it right, that I'd never get divorced the way my parents did. I'd find someone and love them forever and that would be it. And for my 30th birthday I got cake and a divorce.
It doesn't feel any different. Like when people ask you on your birthday if you feel any different, but you never do. I'm still the same person I was yesterday--I was even divorced yesterday, I just didn't know. I took off my engagement ring to dry my hair this morning and forgot to put it back on, so I went around with a naked finger. That's all.
I never thought, when I first laid eyes on him, and thought he was the most beautiful boy I'd ever seen, that it would end this way--I guess that's a cliche. What I mean to say is that it is possible to leech all love away until there is nothing left, and look at divorce papers and feel nothing for a person who was once your world. I don't want that to be possible. I don't want to have done it. I don't want to have dropped out of grad school for him or come back from Europe for him. I don't want to have made such spectacularly bad choices. I don't want to feel nothing right now. But that's what I've got.
I don't even think I have a black dress.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://www.zagidulin.net/images/labyrinth_mood/gloomy.gif) gloomy
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pdx6
 | 09:19 pm - No more kitty
I dropped Isla off at my friend Mongo's house so he can watch her while I'm in Spain and Vegas. I'll miss that fuzzy butt. :'(
No kitty love for 21 days.
Current Location: Haight
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yuki_onna
 | 11:46 pm - More Readercon
Readercon speaks:
There has been a lot of confusion about Readercon's plans for next year, caused in part by a flier that we distributed on Sunday and in part by conflicting statements made in public and in private by people involved with the con and by various attendees. We apologize for putting out unclear, incomplete information, and would like to take this opportunity to set the record straight.
Attendees, professional guests, and book dealers can expect a Readercon next year every bit as exciting as our previous twenty. Readercon 21 will be held July 8 – 11, 2010 in Burlington, Massachusetts at the Boston Marriott Burlington.
Readercon 21 will have at least one guest of honor, two tracks of panels, readings, discussions, kaffeeklatches, the Cordwainer Smith Rediscovery Award, the Rhysling Award Poetry Slan, the Shirley Jackson Award, Meet the Pro(se), and as always the Kirk Poland Memorial Bad Prose Competition.
Our committee is finishing up the business of this year's convention as well as working on Readercon 21. Full details will be available soon.
Diane Martin & David Shaw
Con & Program Chairs for Readercon 21
It seems like a lot of changes have been made to the original plan, though I'm a little confused at the tone here, which makes it sound a bit like the flyer materialized out of an alternate dimension and the plan was always to have multiple tracks and a living guest of honor, despite the flyer saying the exact opposite. I would point out that the information put out by "various attendees" was not wild daydreaming but repeating verbatim what was said by the programming chair and printed on the flyer.
But I'm at least glad that it might not be our father's Readercon after all. I am very interested in seeing what it will be.
So...will you be going?
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://www.zagidulin.net/images/labyrinth_mood/thoughtful.gif) thoughtful
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tammylee
 | 09:41 pm
Office floor is cleaned. Invoicing is done. Most of my business tasks are done. I feel good.
I reread an old story I had been working on and I AM CRINGING! Augh! So horrible but there is a kernel of an interesting story in there I can salvage. I am also an asshole because I named one of the characters, 'Centzonuitznauachalchiuhtlatonal'. XD I may keep that.
Man, I wanted to take a walk but it's too late in the evening now. Gots to take my bath and get ready for bed. Goal!fail... but I did get a good walk in this afternoon so maybe that will even out.
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zoethe
 | 11:27 pm - Random bits of me-ness
1. Before embarking on movie watching in K&E's family room, I must, must, MUST tank up on antihistamines.
2. I have been reminded yet again why I can never, ever have a kitty. No matter how much I love them.
3. My period? Again? WTFF? Didn't I just have that???
4. When you are driving across town late at night and searching for something on the radio, the classical station inevitably has some odd, slow, atonal piece of music that just sounds like a bad movie sound track.
5. Can't sleep until antihistamines kick in. Clowns will eat smother me.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/moonsis/angry.gif) sneezing
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seattleforge
 | 08:24 pm - Boy's night
--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®
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savageseraph
 | 11:12 pm - Dish about Dishes...
The for-shit cable company my apartment complex is bound to until January makes people pay $55 a month for their impressive package (not the singular there) of "over 60" channels. None of which are digital or HD.
Did I mention they don't have Bravo? Bravo, which makes up the bulk of my television viewing. Bravo, which is my television crack. I told them I couldn't go six months without Bravo, and there had to be other options. They grudgingly admitted I could get satellite, provided I could get a signal from my deck.
So anyone have any experiences, good or bad, with Dish Network or Directv?
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greybeta
 | 09:57 pm - Day of Haiku
Quiz started the day
Food and study in between
Work and nighty night.
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jackbabalon23
 | 10:38 pm - Crusty Pete
Crusty Pete was tired of waiting. He had been leaning against the brick wall for what felt like forever now. There was no one else on the street besides him and it was seriously starting to freak him out. It was the middle of the day - ('But what day?' he asked himself without an answer ) - and he should at least have seen some foot traffic passing by. Maybe it wasn't day. The river of sky that flowed above the alley he occupied was overcast with a gray indifferent of time. Morning? Dusk? Or noon before a heavy storm? He couldn't tell. Huddling himself to reduce the shivering, he debated leaving when he caught from the corner of his eye a shadow flicker into the alley's opening.
"Hey Pete", the voice sounded distorted, as if being shouted from a great distance but yet arrived at the ear with the intimate breath of a whisper.
Crusty Pete felt a surge of heat run through his body, a warmth that seemed to emanate and seep from the blood to thaw the chill that had seized his heart. He turned around to face the stranger who stood before him. Skinny kid in a hoodie that was pulled up to cover his face in ink black shadows.
"I know you?" Crusty Pete snarled throwing up his arms with a gesture of open challenge.
"Yeah you do..." the stranger stepped closer, lowering his hood with a practiced flourish and allowing a sharp bastard's smile to emerge from the gloom, "...it's me. Remember!"
( Read more... )
Current Location: exile
Current Mood: Magick in fury and practice
Current Music: "Beetle crawls across my back" - Nurse with Wound
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the_paco
 | 09:06 pm
I've been busy the last few weeks dreaming and playing "Finance: The RPG". Got more than a few things going in the right direction, but still working out if it's 'right enough'.
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tizzrah
 | 10:03 pm - OMG
HARRY POTTER WAS AWESOME
asdfjkl;
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/enthralled.gif) enthralled
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drjon
 | 11:48 am - Wish I could share this with her, but she's in another castle.
Vaguely Related: Video Games
A strange german fantasy history of the field: warning: slightly kinda NSFW. Very funny. (Via)
http://vimeo.com/1743331
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karnythia
 | 07:51 pm
So I need some advice. We have some new couple friends and I like them. But the wife has a tendency to make comments about my size that fall into that "Don't you dare complain about your body you skinny bitch" range. For instance we were talking about jewelry ( ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) p_dilla was teasing me about my tendency to buy watches with characters on them) and I said something about not being able to buy adult watches because they never fit and I'm afraid of losing them. Most of my friends would have suggested a store or told a story about their own shopping issues or something. She said "Oh you poor thing with your tiny delicate wrists." which was...yeah. And her husband kind of nudged her and the conversation shifted. And theoretically I could just avoid any mention of my body in her presence, but that then means we'd only talk about her desire to have kids and I'm not that much of a mom. And since we generally don't talk about work (we do a little but not a lot) and we're not close enough to talk about much outside of surface stuff. And I could just put my cards on the table, but I like her and I know me. Conversations like this tend to involve someone thinking I'm a brutal bitch. Which...I am, but I'm trying not to go there. So, tactful ways to address it? I'm not really good with the female friend thing in general and I'm really perplexed when it comes to stuff like this.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://karnythia.icons.ljtoys.org.uk/mi/dot.gif) curious
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liddle_oldman
 | 08:55 pm - Sitting In A Hotel Lobby
When we moved into this hotel, the IT guy lent Janet a laptop. And now it won't connect to the 'net. It connected this morning.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it does not work.
Windows is like that
I'm on the courtesy console in the lobby, because I really needed to hear some friendly voices.
Thanks, everyone, for the friendly voices.
I'm not quite so devestateed -- mad, hurt, crushed, sad, and horrifed, sure. We have the outline of a plan. (It involves leaving for New Hampshire Saturday, so I'll be incommunicado until, at the very first, early August.)
I went to work today to clean off my desk, and this conversation took place at the coffee machine:
"Yeah, in two weeks, I've lost my house, my car, and my job"
"Sounds like a Country and Western song!"
"Yeah, I'm really glad I didn't have a hound."
I'll be sporadic for a while, and I'll ba back sometime in August. The good news is, we signed on a new apaartment, three blocks from the old one. The bad nes is, it's market rate ($1550/mo) and we just lost 1/3 of our income. But I have a plan, and we have lots of Klonopin, and we shall pervail.
In the meantime, I'm working on biting, witty, devestating parting ines, none of which I'll use.
"By the way, you're not a very good boss, and your preferentialism is very unprofessionsl, and the whole office knows you're sleeping with your programmer".
"If I ever have the chance to do you an unkindness or grave harm, I'm taking it."
"I hope you die, and I hope your wife dies, and I hope your daughters sell themselves for drugs".
OK, those might just be getting vindictive. But, you know, he rally isn't a good manager. And he sucks donkey dicks.
Off back to my room!
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revdj
 | 07:50 pm
This week, a guy ate at Wolfgang Puck and got charged 23 Quadrillion dollars on his VISA. I am not kidding. Plus a $50 overdraft fee.
According to VISA "It was an error."
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bart_calendar
 | 12:29 am - Harry Potter And The Half Blood Prince
The biggest surprise is how grown up and fucking sexy Ginny Weasley has become!
Other than that I really liked it and Rome Girl was kinda into it and kinda not. Like the book it's a transitional part of the story. Not a shitload happens except for the BIG THING at the end.
The rest of it is setting up Harry's eventual walk in the desert and resurrection in the next films. And, that's what the Half Blood Prince should be.
Discussing it afterward Rome Girl and I decided that the reason I liked it and she didn't was that I have "enough nerd gene for both of us."
In other words, I like the nerdy exposition, she was looking for magic and wonder and battles.
On the other hand I'm also partial to it because I am so in love with Belatrix LeStrange that I'd watch anything with her doing that thing she does. (P.S. as soon as I heard her voice the first thing I whispered to Rome Girls "OMG! Corpse Bride!")
We'll reverse the order of who likes the movies when the last film comes out because the end of the Harry Potter series is the only part of all the books that I don't like and she does like the ending.
Anyway, check out Ginny Weasley's eyes!
Current Location: France, Montpellier
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czarina69
 | 05:05 pm - Three days off. Attack house with fury. Dust with fury. (furies have feathers)
Upcoming three days off. Part of it will be spent helping Mom, part of it will be for entertainment value. The rest, I have sanity to find.
My list of stuff to do:
-sort the studio, and try to release a few more hounds.
-disassemble screen and store until we have bigger place
-sort studio table
-get loose items into those drawer units.
-get rid of one mannequin, make the other to my size. (need my current measurements.)
-new fold-up shelf unit goes upstairs for books.
-clear dining table. All items in storage or gone.
-get rid of some of the decorative bottles.
-under the stairs-ninja strike!
-finish recording the records you are going to copy. Then get rid of the records.
-Everything extra: on Ebay or pitch!
On this note, I have a question. I have lots of fabric, and possibly patterns to get out of my studio. Who is interesting in another fabric giveaway? (note: you will be responsible for the postage costs. Last time I had an ungrateful brat yell at me when they found out I was giving free fabric, but I expected them to cough up the postage costs.)
I'm not trying to make money on it, I just want the fabric and such to go to a good home. So, who would be interested?
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